My anger management

Oh how I hate stupid chats

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 00:20:42 GMT

Deleted all names for privacy purposes. This is such a typical conversation with someone who has been here much longer than me. Laziness. Laziness. Laziness. Please do you damn job, I am already busy enough. What this person really wanted was for me to say sure I will bend over and take it, because you are a clueless lazy fuck who wants to go home. Noooooooo! Thanks. Bye

THEM: Workstation keep rebooting he stated that it keep shuting down have to use the power button to power the workstation back on .. 000.00.000 12/13/2008 11:00:56 AM workstation keep rebooting when he try and put shutdown -a it still shut down it will not stay up long enough to finish puttin in the shutdown

ME: Welcome to Support Chat. Please wait one moment while I review your issue

ME: when did this start?

THEM: havent seen or heard from u in a long time how are u

ME: doing well.

THEM: 6months

ME: Did you try to go into safe mode?

ME: And the computer has been going wonky for 6 months and they are just now calling it in.

THEM: no i didnt because it will not stay up

THEM: when i remoted to it to put in the shutdown it started to reboot

THEM: now it will not stay up

ME: Little confused. They are able to get to the login screen and log in but they can't hit the f8 button when powering the comptuer on?

THEM: well i didnt do that because i thought according to the soluton we were to follow for this issue

THEM: Microsoft Security Patches Not Installing / Workstation Keeps Rebooting - Timer Counts Down And PC Reboots - Checkpatch Chkpatch

THEM: the workstation didnt stay up long enought to run the check patch

ME: there is more than just one reason why a computer could be shutting down over and over again.

ME: If it keeps shutting down even in safemode, safe bet to say that it is probably not just patches causing the issue.

THEM: solution didnt say that but i will make a note for the future to follow the steps you give me

THEM: do you want me to have him to do the f8

THEM: its end of shift for me do you want me to see if someone on the floor will take it

ME: BLANK, this is not the only thing that could cause a computer to continuously shut down. This is only one of many things that could cause this and relying on just one solution as the end all and be all for this issue is not the correct way to handle their issue.

ME: yes

THEM: ok thank you for telling me i am so glad that you are willing to share your knowledge because i dont have this issue much on nights so please forgive me if i make a misstake and dont remember to do all the steps since you are the first to inform me of this normally escl take the ticket

THEM: but thanks for the info

ME: BLANK, you and I have been around long enough to know that safe mode is a good way to get around the reboot. And I am doing you and others a disservice if I didnot inform you that there other things that could be causing this.

ME: As you are leaving, please have someone continue the troubleshooting.

THEM: thats why u are in escl and im not i have been around along time just like you but you are so advanced then i am and your to be commend for that im glad that you wouldnt do me a disservice because knowledge is power thats what i need i did find someone to take the ticket and it was good hearing from you

Writer's Block: Coast Range

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 23:58:39 GMT

If you had to choose, would you rather live in the mountains or by the ocean?

View 501 Answers

The mountains...every time.

Why that is even easier.

Nothing like the amazing beauty of the towering peaks, the feeling that you too could touch the sky if you could stand on the next highest peak. The clear fresh air lightly tainted with the smell of pine or woods or the serenity and solitude when all you can hear is the birds chirping and the wind whistling through the trees and rocks cascading down the sides of the mountain. And if you are real lucky you are near a mountain lake that is clear, and sweet and has not been polluted by man.

Why not the ocean. Easy. Hate sand in my pants, and hate sand fleas. If I can be in the Ocean without being on the beach then I would love it just as much. If I could have the best of both worlds I would call it heaven.

Moved to Memphis almost 14 years ago and there are still days that I will catch myself looking out a window expecting that I will see mt. rainier framed perfectly within it in the distance. Miss that view so much.

Funny conversation.

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 21:57:13 GMT

The joker.............

kitty style:

Ok so actual conversation that happened on the way to the big blue box...where Dark Knight was only $14.

In my friend's car talking about recent movies and ones we want to watch. To which I piped up that I got a couple of movies from netfliks today and Jen says oh really what movies? Told her skinwalkers and another documentary. Groan from the backseat from Jen about another documentary. My friend goes what documentary? I say I will have to tell you later. To which Jen says you really should cut down on the porn, Mom. Gasp and laugh. While I probably should have been offended by the comment. The next thing out of my mouth is what I watch behind the privacy of my bedroom door is of no concern to you.

Funny part of this whole exchange.. the documentary is called Inside Deep Throat.

Going straight to hell.

Told my friend the irony of the whole conversation later. Could only laugh and say yes she is your daughter.

But I love her. And I am still chuckling 24 hours later about it. V would not find it funny in the least. Love my prude.

Because I want to see if I can get my sister to laugh....

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 19:44:07 GMT

The best christmas cookie recipe....EVER

Christmas Cookie Recipe

1 cup of water 4 large eggs

1 cup nuts 1 tsp baking soda

2 cups of dried fruit 1 cup of sugar

1 tsp salt 1 cup of brown sugar

1 tsp lemon juice

1 bottle Crown Royal Reserve

Sample the Crown to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the Crown again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.

At this point it's best to make sure the Crown is still OK, try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit

Pick the frigging fruit off floor...Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a dewscriver. Sample the Crown to check for tonsisti city.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who caresch. Check the Crown Royal.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of ar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, Finish the bottle of Crown Royal Make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTLEMAS!!!

I've learned....

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 19:42:41 GMT

'I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.'

'I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.'

'I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.'

'I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life.'

'I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.'

'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back..'

'I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.'

'I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.'

'I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.'

'I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.'

'I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.'

While some attribute the above to Maya Angelou, I am not sure. But whoever it was, whether it be one person or several, the words are still very wise words to ponder upon.

Yeh to being broke in 2009

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 20:07:10 GMT

Dear ~~Blank~~ Corporate Team Members:

The year is drawing to a close and as we look towards 2009, this is typically the time of the year when we plan for annual merit/pay adjustments to base salaries in the coming year.

As we are all well aware, the past few months have been anything but typical and we are preparing to manage our way through what will likely be a protracted downturn. World financial markets continue to be unstable, a number of major world economies are officially in recession and the public at large is cutting back on spending. Our industry is being hit hard and we have seen many of our competitors take drastic action to manage their way through these uncertain times.

While we remain on sound financial footing, we must continue to evaluate present circumstances and position ourselves for long-term success. These economic conditions, which are some of the worst we have seen in recent times, have forced us to look hard at our expenses and it is with regret that I inform you that we have decided to postpone annual merit/ pay adjustments to the salaries of corporate team members for the coming year. We have made a similar determination for our field members, the details of which will be provided directly to the field by blanking out name.

Let me reiterate that we are on sound financial footing, but we must proceed with great prudence in order to deal with these current uncertain times and position ourselves for the future. Under separate cover from blanking out company that is determining which of us can be given the pink slip and some person I don't know, you will receive information regarding general business expenses and our revised travel policy.

I want you to know that the decision regarding merit adjustments was not taken lightly, however we believe it is a necessary step and we will review this position later in 2009.

We appreciate your understanding.

Yours sincerely,

Again blanking out the name (because I do need this job) of the big boss man...

So not only is the cost of health insurance coverage for me and the kiddie going up by over 100.00 to close to 300.00 per pay period, I am not going to get any relief in the annual penny ante raise department. Back to sewing the under garments...can't afford that fancy stuff.

slinky, slinky...

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 23:36:50 GMT

a funny because I needed some cheering up.

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 16:29:35 GMT

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One of my many cats looks so much like this one and sadly I could see her also troubleshooting the printer problems in much the same way.

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 01:17:52 GMT

This journal has ended up being exactly what I have said it was going to be my online bitch fest.

I am unhappy right now and I while I know what will make it better for me there is not a darn thing I can do about it at this moment or anytime soon. It is just the way things are going to have to be and I have to deal with it.

I have a child that for what ever reason is hellbent on either harming herself or worse yet killing herself. And I feel at times that this has completely and effectively isolated me from everyone and I am alone. That it is up to me and only me to keep her safe at all times and that there is no break for me. While my fear is that I will be forever rescuing Jen from herself, I also selfishly fear that I soon will be by myself and doing this. This past year has effectively put a big wall between V and I and I am not sure that she has any idea that it is there. I know that it has been stressful and that she is probably not sure what to do with it all but there are times when I do wish that she would step out of her comfort zone and make me feel that I could actually depend on her to understand what is going on. To try. To be involved even though she had no intention of having kids in her life. I love her and I love my child and I want them to be on the sam page too, but I feel like I am always having to jump in front of one or the other because of the tension that this year has caused.

V trying to protect me, and Jen being a teen.

I am lonely because while I was starting to enjoy the fact that my child was getting more independent and I could start to have a life of my own too, it has all been taken away. I am now back to where I was when Jen was a small child and needed constant supervision. My daughter has turned into someone who is hellbent on dying or atleast causing herself great harm.

My life has become a big nightmare and it is my responsibilty to try and keep it all together. While I would like to tell all to V and have her be supportive, she isn't, and I can't expect that she will ever understand it. Nor can I expect that she take an active role as she does not want to have any responsibility when it comes to anything in my life. I am lonely and I am in a relationship, and yet I have no one with whom I can talk with about the serious things that are going on in my life. I take seriously everything that is said to me, but don't feel that I get the same back. with no one to talk with or to fall back on or even bounce things off without feeling like I must defend everything in my life.

I miss my v the way we were a year ago and I wish there was some way to get it back, because I really need her and us now.

blah, blah, blah

Fri, 31 Oct 2008 00:02:05 GMT

Ever feel like you are part of a bad Charlie Brown cartoon, playing the role of the teacher? You know the one that always sounds like all they are saying is Whaw whaw wah. That no one can hear or understand what you are saying. That is how I feel right now, completely unheard or understood.

I have asked that we talk several times, but something seems to always get in the way. I want to know what you meant by some of the things that you said the other night. While it may have been in anger or frustration it was still said and I firmly believe that people don't say things they don't mean even if it is only meant partially.

Since you have found a way to avoid the conversation in person I am going to list my grievances here in hopes that it will clear some of the hurt and your voice out of my head.

We are not married. - you are absolutely right we are not, but we have been together long enough that I should be able to expect some common courtesies from you. I should not have to find out from others what you are doing.

It would be different if we lived together- followed closely by the lovely bombshell that you are NEVER going to live with me as long as I have five cats and a kid at home. - What I am getting from this and what I have gotten from conversations along the same lines is that unless everything is the way YOU want it to be, we will never be under the same roof. That everything must be within your comfort zone and that no one else's comfort or wants matter. So it would not matter if I was living in the Taj Mahal or the tiny house that I currently occupy you won't be there. That is probably the most hurtful thing that has been said. That my entire life must change in order for you to join in. What are you willing to give up or bend on?

I just wanted to be alone, wander around and do what I wanted. - okay so you wanted me time, I get it, but where in all your 'me' time were you planning on giving us any time? Your whole life is filled with school, work, friends and home I was feeling that there was going to not be any us time. That the only way that it would happen would be for me to drag my child out on a week night and stay out there. We argued round and round on this, you stating that you felt that you have done your fair share of traveling with the dogs. What you never stopped to hear was that it was not spending the night one way or the other it was the lack of quality time. If you came out it was later in the evening meaning that if I was lucky I got an hour before bed and now it is if I am lucky I will see you for a hour or so. Nothing that I can count on, just whenever. And while I know you have a lot of things pulling on you, I think that I should be entitled to some time some where. Not the excuse of there is not enough time.

More to this, but I need to leave.

Let the bitch fest begin

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 03:42:14 GMT

No really the bitch fest.

Work is driving me mad. I don't know if I am coming or going and there seems to be no relief in sight. Chats, phones, emails, more chats and tickets, I just can't seem to keep up and I feel like I am the only inept person there having this problem. I have tried speaking to a sup about it and I just feel like I am being placated and talked down. So you are trying to track every single breath that we take in a day. How do you track the numerous emails we get in a day that are asking for us to check back on this, research that, what is this? How do you account for all the minutes I sit staring at a screenshot trying to figure out what the hell someone meant by it is not following the rest of the bill when nothing seems to have moved. Or the hours you spend researching something only to recieve an email minutes after you send it off stating disregard issue was all in our heads. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

I can't help but fear that I am going to lose my job and that there will not be anything that I can do about it. I do wish that I could find something else in the company for me to do but everything seems to be things that I have absolutely no training for. Completely inept and I am horrible at networking. That means I have to talk to others and I know I don't socialize well, I am way to awkward for my own good. Surprised to hear that from me? I am absolutely panicking on the inside everytime I pick up the phone or have to speak to a coworker. I am sure that they are going to see what a complete and total idiot I am at any moment, that I am a fake that has some how managed to slip under the radar.

Maybe that is my issue, maybe it is because that I feel that I am having one huge panic attack while at work that I am completely useless. I didn't use to feel this way, it is only in the last couple years that I have begun to feel this way and it is only getting worse. It takes everything in my power to get up every day and go. I just want to cry on my drive in.

Something has to give somewhere. I am still in over my head in hospital bills from Jen's last foray into the hospital (because it felt like home) and I am looking ahead at stuff that she will need for school and band.

I thought for a while that I might finally get my wish of V moving in, but it appears that she has decided not to. Go figure, I still have 5 cats, a dog and a teenager.

Not to mention that I seem to be irritating the hell out of her lately and I am not entirely sure how I am doing this. And it is beginning to wear on me. I tell her not to snap at me and she says that she is not, but if it is not being short, please tell me what that tone is called. I know it is stress from the whole home life thing but I can help but feel like saying yours is not the only one that is currently screwed up. My world has been completely turned upside down since last september and has not settled down in the least.

I now feel like I get attacked for the actions of another from all angles. (attacked may be the wrong word but it is how I am feeling) I have never felt so inadequate when it comes to Jen since all this came out. I never know if she is lying or if it is part of the mental illness that we are dealing with. I feel like in me letting someone know what is going on that has given those people the license to tell me what I am doing wrong and what I should be doing to fix this. I really have not heard one kind word in respect to my daughter in months and I am miserable. I can not honestly say that anyone other than myself loves my child despite all her warts and that is killing me. To have someone tell me that we are going to make it through this and that there will be happiness for the both of us would be a godsend.

The stress of all this is affecting my health both mentally and physically, my relationship my girlfriend, my work and I am not sure how much more down I can take. Every thing that comes in and that I can keep on my shoulder surprises me, I keep expecting to be curled in a ball screaming when the next blow hits me. I don't know how I continue to stand under the weight of it all. I want someone to take some of the pressure off, but I am not willing to give it up for fear that it will not be taken care of the way it should be. Because I feel that noone cares about the issues that I am dealing with as much as I do. I truly feel isolated at times.

To top off the ring of sadness to blows to friendship have happened in the last couple months. I sent a friend a letter to see how they were doing and got return to sender back on it. No forwarding address. Then I was in Atlanta a couple of weeks ago and we had made arrangements to have lunch with my best friend and another friend from my teen years. My bf tried calling him, no response back to calls. I tried and again no response to calls.

I sent an email when I got back and got the msg that this person is not accepting email from me. They have blocked my email address. I have no idea what happen and the one thing that I fear is that my only truly religious friend has gone on a morality stint since his marriage and is no longer going to associate with his lesbian friend since 9th grade. I hope this is not true, but I fear that as a husband to an associate pastor in a southern baptist church that this is the most likely scenario. I want to be proven wrong.

Got to see Melissa Etheridge in concert in Atlanta and it was amazing. I just wished that V did not seem so irritated at me for asking too many questions about things in my head. I just want to talk to her and hear her opinion on things, I want to be adults in an adult relationship.

The money tree is money free

Sat, 31 May 2008 06:41:58 GMT

I am broke, or damn close to it. I just got yet another bill from yet another doctor and I am not sure where I am going to get the money to pay them. I am frustrated, worried and at my wit's end. I feel I can't get ahead for anything and there is always another bill to be paid. I want to yell and scream but I know it will do no good. The house that I once saw over the next hill I have discovered is just a mirage, a trick of mind. A FUCKING HALLUCINATION! I have plodded ahead day after day, year after year knowing that I would eventually get ahead of everything and be able to do something better for our lives than this hole. A place that I am not worried is going to be foreclosed because the landlord has over extended himself, a place that would be ours and I would not be concerned on whether or not the house was going to burn down or be broken into.

But there is nothing I can do about this because I have to take care of it all. It is my job to make sure the here and now is taken care of. There is no one else to take care of this for me. I don't have the luxury of looking to the right or left of me and saying so what are we going to do make this right? The only one that will answer is me. And I think that is what is even more frustrating to think about than knowing that when all the medical bills come in I will owe nearly three thousand dollars even after insurance settles their side. I have used all my medical flexspend up and it is still coming in. Not to mention the other household expenses that must be handled. Gas and groceries has nearly doubled and band fees are coming due soon. If I played the lottery I would be praying hard right now for a win, even a small windfall. What would I do with ten thousand dollars? Pay off Dr bills, pay off the rest of my cc, pay all the other little bills that have come up, pay band fees, get her clarinet repaired and put the rest away to save yet again for a house in a couple of years. But that all requires me to actually play the lottery. But that is money that I can not afford to lose. It is yet another dollar that should be going towards a bill.

I am angry with her Dad for not having to pay more than two hundred in child support a month, but yet has the audacity to call me DRUNK and tell me that has lost his job and does not know when he will be able to pay it. Forget the fact that he is supposed to carry insurance on her and that he has never paid a cent towards medical bills. What gets me is he is there drunk with his young child, drunk when he is so broke that he is not sure how he is going to pay rent or put the food on the table, and drunk enough to tell me that he has to get off the phone to get to his second job. And there really is nothing I can do without sicking a Lawyer (that I can't afford at this juncture) to get the money that I really could use right now, or to get it upped a bit or even to pressure him to carry insurance on her. But yet he has enough money for alcohol. This is whacked.

Fork Tongued people suck

Thu, 08 May 2008 21:19:32 GMT

I am one of those people that think that if you have a problem with someone, you should discuss that problem with them. I am also realistic enough to realize that sometimes that it is just not possible to do so rationaly without talking to someone else first. To use them as a sounding board to straighten everything out. That is what Doctors are for or if you are one of the very lucky a friend that TRULY knows how to keep their mouth shut. (most of us are not that blessed) Or if you are a nut job, like me, that down time in the car during commutes is a great time to have outloud conversations with that person of frustration. Sure the person in the car next to you will think you are insane but who the f*&@ cares, they won't know you from Adam when you are standing in line behind them at the DMV next year, if you are really worried they might recognize you, put a cell phone headset in and let them think that you are yelling at someone on the phone (but really most are going to just plain out think you are crazy) and will be whispering to the person in front of them at the DMV, "Please, sir, could you scoot up more, there is a crazy person behind me. I have seen him on the road yelling at no one and I am afraid they might be dangerous."

If you not guessed it I am irritated and just a tadbit frustrated with some people in my life. Some more than others. That is not to say that I don't love them or care about them, it is just that I am tired of what I called Fork Tongue people. Fork Tongue people who will say one thing to your face and then as soon as you are out of sight they are saying something completely different to someone else. Judge not lest you be judged apparently does not apply to them, nor does the many sayings about gossipers.

There is a reason that I don't trust many people and there is a reason that when I do confide or trust in someone about somethings that I expect that they stay between us. If you tell me something it goes no where, and I expect that if I come to you with something that it would stay there, too. I don't expect to hear from Joe's mom's butcher that I asked you to do something. That you are now the Martyr of the whole situation, that I was asking too much. If there was a problem, then why did you say yes to begin with? Why did you not address your reservations then? Why do I have to hear that you have issues with something I have done or asked from a third party that should never have been party to the conversation to begin with? Could you not find anything else to talk about? The weather, health or hell even the rising cost of gas. Did you not think that this person was going to run and open their mouth at the first opportunity and say exactly what was said in her own version (which ALWAYS makes it sound worse than what it really is)? It is a betrayal of trust and the worst part is that it was not only me that you talked about, you talked about my family and how things had to change or there would be changes. Why had you not talked to the people involved first instead of them having to find out from someone else? Do you not know how hard they work to make sure that you have what you need, that your are happy, and that you come before all? All you had to do was say look I am seeing a pattern that concerns me can we talk about this? But no, you had to talk behind someone's back and let them find out from someone else.

Now I back to limiting what I say to you, because I don't need my very dirty laundry aired out as someone else's entertainment. Somethings are not needed. I share already enough with the world because I don't want them to think that I am completely bonkers, I want them to realize that sometimes there is a reason for my erratic behaviour, but I don't expect to hear how badly I am doing at concealing the fact that my life is going to hell in a handbasket. Sorry for asking a favor, I can assure you there will be no more, it is not worth the price I paid this time. Don't worry about it I will find another way, it is my responsibility anyway.

My mundane life....

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 20:01:10 GMT

Sitting listening to one of my friends talk about how he is going to make a trip out west on very little money. I am perplexed and maybe a little shocked. I don't see how it is done.

He will stay at one of our hotels for free, eat the free breakfast and partake of the free drinks and snacks. If he must eat he will allow one of the poor suckers he meets during the day and get them to pay for their meal. Same when going out clubbing.

States that he did this last time and did not pay for anything. How does that happen?

What makes it easy for some to accept money, gifts and free food without feeling like you are obligated to do something in return? How can you cultivate that mentality? I can't get my head wrapped around it. I see it, I hear it, I just don't understand it.

He has people paying for everything and they are happy to do it. Too bad I can't get someone to pay my big bills so that I can be out of debt. Any takers?

Have a headache from all the loud banging they are doing upstairs from our office. My ipod is my friend. It does seem to drown out some of the noise. Still ready to go home.

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 20:27:30 GMT

I know, I know just wrong, but had to do it. I didn't create it I just posted it. We are all jeolous that we did not think of it first. They took something so sacred to easter and childhood and corrupted. What's next microwaving them? Oh wait that was already done.

LINE! Sorry I forgot my next line can you please tell me what to do say next?

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 19:14:06 GMT

Okay so I wrote the last entry and then BLASTED V. I told her exactly how I felt about what had happen and that she had better have a damn good reason for treating me that way.

Started off she didn't know how to put it into words and I am like that is not acceptable, you need to explain to me why the dessert was more important than my feelings. It wasn't the dessert, was what was finally revealed.

When V took me out Friday she had a certain picture or script in her head as to how it would go that night. For lack of better words to describe she was going to sweep me off my feet and be the man. (I smile at this, because this was how it was for me Friday. I was completely swept off my feet again by her and I was proud to be on her arm) This is where our versions differ. She sees it as I was nitpicky and controlling and that she spent a lot of money on me Friday night. (this is where I lost my breath, felt like someone just socked me in the stomach.) Nitpicky because I told her to cut up her asparagus (okay you are right maybe I should not have pointed this out, but I didn/t think anything of it at the time. Mom in me just took over for a minute). Controling because I would not let her open the door (we both struggled with the door) and because I signaled for the waitress when something was needed. There have been other incidents but I was too shocked and hurt that I didn't absorb it. She told this to N the lady she works for who took her side (since it was from her view) which of course made me feel all the worse. If a lady of N's caliber saw it her way, could I have really have been that bad? Controling? I just don't see me being so bad that it would ruin an entire evening. I have to say I was completely heartbroken.

The dessert was just another frustration in a line of built up frustrations in the evening for her. Her sitting in the living room and refusing to meet me half way was her still trying to figure out what went 'wrong' with her plan.

My response? If you have a certain script in mind for an evening do you mind informing in advance of what part I am to play in this? Otherwise I am going to play myself.

What I didn't say is that you pouted and ruined the remainder of a beautiful evening because things did not go the way you had them planned in your head? That is completely and totaly selfish. If this was an evening to spoil me, you did until you decided to show your ass. I have cried off and on for 2 days about this. It really hurt me that she acted that way and makes me wonder if this is something I should expect again in the future. I haven't been able to bring myself to ask that question and almost hope in someway that she will read this and answer it for me.

I doubt it but one can wish.

To top all this off something ironic (in the proper sense of the word) happened that shows the pot calling the kettle black.

Marie her sister had a pagent this weekend. Marie's dad and mom attended (as they should). When it came time to introduce Marie they shortened her introduction cutting out the fact that she was Paul's daughter and only stating that marie was the daughter of Peggy. Paul walked out. Did stay for any of the rest of this.

V's response to this was that he has always been selfcentered and selfish and that it did not surprise her. So he is agnry that things did not go the way he thought they should and she is upset because things did not go the way she thought they should. Irony? I think it explains a lot for the way that she acts at times. Do as I say, not as I do. Makes a hell of a lot of sense, but doesn't work that way.

I have expressed my feelings and made a decision. Next time this happens I will get up and leave until I get a proper and real apology. I feel that I deserve to be treated better than I got and should not have to put up with someone being selfish because things did not go exactly how they wanted them.

This also holds true for a lot of other things that I feel have been happening for too long. I love my V with all my heart, but I feel that she has forgotten there are other people's feelings and thoughts to consider in the big scheme of things. I respect her feelings and thoughts, I am only asking for the same.

Same holds true of my daughter and my dad. I am done being the rug.

Was it something I did?

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 23:16:26 GMT

Okay so explain to me why I am still upset almost 24 hours after this stupid thing happened. Why it is still bugging me even though the rest of the night was beautiful and I thouroghly enjoyed myself. I know why it is bugging me but not why I can't get the words to express how it is bugging me to her.

We had a beautiful dinner and wonderful date, but things seemed to spiral down with a fuse not set right. Frustration on her part bubbled to the surface because her car was not working the way it should. Understandable. What is not understandable or acceptable in my book is me being used as the verbal punching bag. Nothing so grand as you are a dumbass and know nothing, but more subtle. More like when a kid is overly tired and forgot how to verbalize what is wrong with them, so the scream over things that usually make them laugh. The only difference here is that she is an adult and should know better. And even after it was painfully obvious that she had hurt my feelings there was nothing said to acknowledge that she had gone to far. And what is worse than the first, is not acknowledging that it ever happened.

So we went to Paulette's last night (beautiful expensive french restaurant) last night and had a date. We were stuffed and running out of time before we had to get the kids so we took dessert to go. Her a bread pudding, me a crepe suzette. yum. I placed them in the back seat and climbed on in and we headed home. No worries thus far. Fat and happy and I planning on other things after the kids were asleep.

While I went in to get the kids from their part, V moved the dessert out of harm's way and realized that her window would not roll up. Trouble brewing though I did not know it. So we had to take the short ride home with the window down. She kept stating that she would need to blow the horn to check the fuse, and I couldn't understand why, and voiced my concern about doing it in our driveway too. It was after all after 10 pm.

Get the kids home and I asked Jen to let the dogs out since I wanted to help V fix this issue if I could, this irritated her. She took her keys and let the dogs out so I got the desserts out and set them on the back floor board until we went inside. BIG MISTAKE.

Found out it was a loose fuse after a few tries of blowing the horn (still don't understand what this has to do with the windows not rolling up). And she notices the dessert on the floor board, containers not sitting completely flat to which she starts fussing at me about this. It was an accident, not a huge deal in the scheme of humanity. I laugh at the fact that she is fussing at me on this. Whatever. That is not the right thing to do apparently. Somewhere along the line her funny bone fuse has also been lost. All I can think is will the dessert taste any less delicious than it would have if the containers had been flat? Some how I doubt it. Then it gets better (or worse) depending on how you look at it. SHE drops the container, to which I laugh yet again. Can't be too annoyed you just dropped it. But no her statement was something the fact that she wasn't being careful since they were no longer...(perfect? I think that is what she said) and leaves them sitting on the stove.

Two feet from the fridge and she leaves them on the stove, because she is mad that I had accidentally let the boxes tip in the car. WTF! I go to my room and calm down, because now I am mad. Furious, even. She has chose a damn dessert over a human beings feelings and I want to yell at her, but I can't because there are kids in the room.

I come back out to find her sitting in the chair, moping. I sit in her lap hoping that she has settled a bit and will realize how irrational she has been, but no. When I try to talk about it her argument is that I do it so often. Do what? Tip the desserts? This is more than I can handle. She really is going to mope and be annoyed/angry over a tipped dessert and has no regard for the fact that she is hurting my feelings and ending what has been a beautiful night on a very sour note. I just want to cry. I go back to my room and read, pray for sleep and hope that she will come to her senses and realize that she is being ridiculous.

It doesn't happen, she comes in eventually, she climbs into bed, but says nothing until she realizes I suppose that I am trying not to cry outloud, to which she says you are going to give yourself cancer. For what I have to ask. For holding in my feelings. So you are concerned with my feelings is what I want to say, too bad you weren't concerned with them when you chose to tromp on them over a damn dessert. I said nothing, because I already felt that there had been no sense of respect or common courtesy given to me and did not feel that she would listen to it now. I was wrong and it did not matter how she made me feel all over a damn fucking accident. I wanted to ground that dessert in her face and tell her enjoy.

So back to why it is bothering me today. Because it seems lately that she is too easily irritated with me. Short tempered and annoyed by things I say or do and she has no problem voicing that irritation. But what she does not like is the fact that when I ask why she does not see that she is even doing it. Snapped at me this morning over cookies. Excuse the F out of me, for the GS being out of almost all types of cookies. Soften you voice and irritation with me I have enough stress in my life without having my GF act like an ass.

I deserve respect and I give that respect back. I don't snap, bitch, or walk over you, please do the same in return. If you are annoyed or irritated with me have the guts to say so but don't snipe. IF you have a concern voice it but don't be critical, I already have one critic and she is bad enough....me. I support you emotionally and that is what I ask in return. If I tell you something bothers me when you do it, don't continue to do it, it makes me feel like you have no care for my feelings or emotional well being.

If I am wrong I will generally admit it.

How to respond?

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 19:36:46 GMT

I am not sure what I was supposed to get from my sister's livejournal page that would make the beginnings of communication easier with her. She sounds like one of us. My sisters and I have always tested the boundaries as we grew. Some boundaries were pushed so far that our families couldn't or wouldn't understand that we were finding our own place in this world. Whether the choices we make are good or bad they are still that....our choices. Who am I to judge who my sister is? Or what my sister does? It is my position to love her as she is for who she is. If she wants to be totally tattooed and photographed naked then so be it. My only request is that before you do something that can't be reversed is think about it for a month. The reason for this is if after a month you still want to do it hopefully all thoughts on how this could affect you in the future will have been thought out.

I know I sound like a mother and maybe it is partially because I am a mom. But it really comes from some of the stupid choices that I made in my own life that in some ways still affect me now. I burned bridges and at that time did not care, but now that I am older I regret not having the stronger bonds with my fam. But I was angry and felt betrayed by them. I felt that no one was on my side. (still don't sometimes, but that is because no one really knows me). I did things then that had some big repercussions in the way that people look at me know. Things that I am not proud of and things that I won't talk about here. Don't particularly want them aired a second time.

I watch my own daughter make outrageous mistakes and wonder was I really that reckless and realize that yes in some ways I was. I read my sister's entries and realize that she has the same struggles just wrapped up differently. I hated my sister growing up, but that was because I resented being responsible for her and her stupidity, I felt that I had my own issues and problems to deal with, I didn't need hers lumped with mine. I resented that for a long time.

She wants me to know who she is, but do I really get that from a journal? I mourn her loss of a very dear friend, especially under such heinous circumstances and I am reminded of mine own friends lost in such a manner. I mourn the loss of child, to never hold them or see them has got to more painful than I can ever imagine. I am thankful for my child. I celebrate the fact that she sees her body in a more flattering and beautiful light and wish that I could feel that comfortable in my own body. I pray that someone will come into her life again and show her that she is indeed worth being loved. I only pray that she finds it sooner rather later. The toads really suck, I know. I have had the drunk, the beater, the moocher, the thief, the liar, the cheater and the crazy.

So how to convey this to her without being the geeky older sister playing peeping tom? I just want to be a part of all my sister's life I would like to know what kind of person she has grown up to be, the good, the bad and the ugly. And if I can help then I will try. This goes for all 4 of my sisters, not just the one with the livejournal page.

Does the language line have a translator for old fogies?

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 20:05:05 GMT

Am I really getting that old that I don't understand pop culture or the basic slang anymore. I felt it a bit with Jen, but didn't mind feeling like the fool for asking....but now I have my sisters and I have to say I feel like I should be carrying around a notebook asking so what do you mean when you write Blah....What is that. Ohhh and how exactly do you do that.

So I am looking at my sister's myspace *YAWN* and then she tells me to look at her livejournal *yeah* I know what that is. I have been on there for a while. My little anonymous oasis. I can whine and not be outed. what ever.

So I read and I swear I only comprehend about 30% of what I am reading. Now let's get this straight I am not dumb, I generally get most stuff even if I have to read through a couple of times to figure out the gist of the conversation.

So it is not the erotic contations, the anime or even the references to anime porn that stump me...it is the lingo, the slang, the talk. What are you saying what does it mean, is there a translate button somewhere for us old people?

Now that I have said all that let me break down the rest of this.
Why does the erotica not surprise/shock me.....hmmmm have you read the story of 0 or the sleeping beauty stories or number of other erotic type books that are out there...so my own proclivities run to the pretty risque, why would I judge or for that matter be shocked by another's?

Anime that is an interesting topic if you are interested in the subject....Me I honestly don't know anything about it. I buy it for my daughter (and pray every time that I am not getting her some of the more sexy stuff that is out there) the stuff I have watched is okay but not my thing. I am more of documentary and history type of girl. This could also apply to the anime porn part but with the added quip of I find my imagination much more colorful than what can or should be drawn.

All I have to say about my sisters is they can do what they want with their lives, just as long as it makes you happy, you are whole and you are safe. It is the same thing I say to Jen. I live my life the way I do why should I expect someone else to live their life my way. Come on how can the single mother (not sure if she is divorced) broke ass, overweight lesbian with so many secrets in her closet say anything about another person's life?

So how do we make all this relate. How do we become more than relatives, more than siblings? Where do we find the common ground? I don't know but I would like to find out where this is going.

Oh and I really don't consider myself old, just out of touch with the rest of the world.

Watch the movie....it is much better anyway

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 15:28:45 GMT

Gotcha, will do.

thanks.

I knew I was broke and you were broke, but I don't think that I would have ever said that. ever.

I thought you knew what it meant to me to see it. I know I can't but I can mope a bit that I can't, can't I? Is it wrong to wish for something you can't have right now, to mope a bit about it? That's right I am supposed to be the grown up, to always just accept that it can't be helped. I will remember that next time. Just like I do everytime I have to give up something I want to do because of what I need to do. Sorry if sometimes that really sucks ass. Sorry if sometimes I feel I must joke about it in order not to cry about it. I am not angry with you about not being able to go, but the fact that you could be so callous about the fact that I can't go. That hurt. That made me cry. Not in front of you because then I would have had to explain why irrationally it hurt my feelings. Why I so wanted to go and knew logically I could not. I couldn't cry in front of you because then I would have made you feel guilty and I don't want pity either.

On a side note I do want you but when all I can think about is breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out it makes it very hard for me to think about anything else. Please don't think otherwise. I just can't breathe which means I am worn out, physically and mentally. Not to mention the other stresses in my life at this moment. You are right your job is physically more demanding than mine but that does not mean that I did not work hard as well. Just in another way.

How will this all be worked out? I don't know, but I am hoping it will be worked out where you understand where I am coming from and I will know where you are coming from.

I love you and I do think you are worth it. Am I worth it to you?

If I only loved your child

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 16:06:36 GMT

Waking up from a beautiful dream, wrapped in your arms and feeling wonderful...not sure what I said but the response is if I could only love your child.

A record being scratched sounds through my dream, body and mind....What? Did I really hear you right?

I don't know how to respond to this. I just know that I need to get up, get dressed and get to work. Without you seeing that you just gave me a mental punch that knocked the breath out of me. How am I to respond to this? What should I say? I know I brought this on myself by talking to you yesterday about what I was thinking and feeling, so I can't be angry. I opened this can of worms.

I just want to cry. I should have written down yesterday what I was feeling, but I didn't. Now I can't fully describe what my thoughts were. I can tell you the vague thoughts that I have but it does not mean I love you less. Or want someone else. I want you and her and us.

I am worried what will happen when we do combine households, will you understand that raising a child means being broke sometimes. Do you understand that it will be a drain at times and that we may not be able to buy that pair of tennis shoes or get that haircut even though you need to because there just isn't the money to do so? Or will you be angry and resentful that she gets whatever she needs and we go without? Or will you be like my ex and think since I am not getting it through begging and guilt trip, just take it? No, I know you would not steal from me, but how do I handle this? I guess I worry because I see the kids that have two parents who have had time to make it work and make it work because they both know this if for the good of the child and they do it out of love for that child. But what tie do you have to all this? You love me, but she is not your responsibility. You have made that clear, but we are part and parcel. How are you going to divide that and keep it divided when we do combine households? Is it possible?

what happen

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 04:54:23 GMT

This time yesterday I was checking my child into mental health facility. Feeling totally helpless as to what set her off or how to help her get through the panic she was showing.

All was well or so I thought. We talked about school and what she did, and then we talked about friends and stupid choices they make sometimes. Teased her about the first homework assignment she would have and if I could watch her do it. Not funny mom.

Came home and she went to do her homework and I went to cook dinner. Went to check on her and found out that she did not have the worksheet she needed to complete and we argued...no big deal. She got a friend to email and I told her that I would go get ink so that she could print it out. And I thought she went into practice the clarinet.

V came home with a migraine shortly after, I put her to bed and continued working on dinner. I then thought that I would give Jen a reprieve on practice and save V's head too. I went to tell Jen when I found her HYSTERICAL. Not just upset full blown hysterical. Kept talking about people yelling at her, that the room was too small and that people were touching her. She would not respond to me and would get louder if I touched her. What had happened? I called the last person on the phone with her only to be told that she kept saying someone was yelling at her. Who though is the question. I don't know.

I did not know what to do or how to handle this, my baby was scared of something I could not see, hear, taste or touch how do I fight these demons? V was amazing, despite having a terrible migraine she was up and watching with me. I left Jen be for a while in hopes that solitude would bring her back and we could find out what happen, it just seem to get worse not better. Dinner was finished and not even a meal that she liked could coax her out of the dark hell that she was currently in. What had happen to my baby?

What do I do? Jen has always been adamant about the fact that she does not want to be looked at as crazy and wanted nothing to do with the mental health profession, but this was way beyond anything I knew how to handle. I had try being firm by demanding she talk to me. I tried babying her but that only made her pull away more from being touched, I tried leaving her alone and nothing changed. I couldn't leave her this way, what if she tried to harm herself? I would never be able to live with that.

V advised to call charter/lakeside to see what they recommended. At that point I could not imagine trying to transport her myself butg would find a way if I must. They recommended calling the crisis hotline if I could not get her there on my own. Okay, and as I was dialing my baby came out of her room. Telling me to tell them to stop yelling. Who baby, who is yelling at you? What are they yelling?

I got her shoes on her and V put up the dinner that had not been eaten. I drove as fast as I could to lakeside hoping that I was doing the right thing. All the while wondering WHAT THE HELL HAPPEN? My baby was scared and I could not rescue her, how did this happen?

Filling out paperwork waiting to be assessed Jen turns to me finally and says, Mommy, where am I? She did not know what had just transpired over the last two hours. She was oblivious. This is even scarier, what am I to do, how am I to explain this to her?

Luckily I didn't have time, the intake nurse came and got us and we answered a million questions and as we talked Jen became more of herself again. What had happen? Found a lot out that I didn't know. Jen is cutting her self, seeing things and hearing voices on consistent basis. Poor baby, no wonder she did not want to be seen as crazy.

She is checked in and I have not seen her. I am about stressed out to the max and have no idea at this time what I should do next. Waiting on directions from a therapist that had not contacted me as I was told she would. I was told that they would tell me what to do with her clothes, visitation and all of that.

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 20:19:04 GMT

I want to go home.

I am so ready to snap everyone's head off that comes through our help desk chat room due to stupidity. I don't know how many times I have to say the same thing in order for someone to understand that this is the same thing as that. They are the same thing, they are not two different things but the same thing. The blank drive is the install drive. If you say they can't connect to the blank drive then they would not be able to see the files on the install drive.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

That was me running away as I screamed and pulled my hair out.

I never thought that I would completely agree with my coworker over the wall but I have to say that stupidity is truly running high today.

Okay maybe it was just that everyone was not awake this morning, things have lightened up, but still busy.

Still can't wait to get off work and go home. I am actually ready for a vacation, a couple of days without responsibility and obligations. I looked at my calendar and realized that even if I did take a couple of days off I would be very, very busy. Blah.

My wish list for the day...
Someone to cook me dinner.
A long romantic bubble bath
A massage
Soft words of encouragement
To be in bed early.
To be able to wake up late.
A me day
A hug
Time
Help
For someone to care about Jen as much as I do, just so I don't feel like I am doing it on my own all the time.

Things that I have put off but now really need to get done..
Dentist appointments
get the car aligned and in balance
cull through books and tapes to get rid of what is not used.
Get Jen's room finally cleaned.
Rearrange drawers and go through clothes.
clean out cupboards and get rid of junk
take big woodshelving down if possible

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 03:16:38 GMT

Seem distant tonight. And even though I asked what is wrong and you say nothing i can't but help feeling like there is something on your mind. I just don't know how to get it out of you, I can't see you so I can't look in your eyes and I can't figure it out.

B is going out of town for the week and with that it means that she must get the house back in order for when she is back. I think that she is worried that I will be upset if she says that she has to stay home to do this. Yes, I would be disappointed if I didn't get to see her, but since my meltdown I have been able to put things in a little better perspective. I know she has to do what needs to be done at home and I just hope that one day it will be a home that is for both of us and not just her house there and my house here. But saying that it does not mean that I don't want her here, but I am just trying to give her the space she needs to do whatever she needs to do, in hopes that when all the chores are done she will have time for me.

I have been so tired lately and I am not sure what I can do to make it better. I know that I must lose some weight, but I worry more about what is going on with my body. The numbness in my leg is moving up and my feet and hips everytime I walk for a while. I feel like my body is letting me down. I don't sleep as well as I used to and sleep even worse when V is not by my side.

My dad is driving me nuts, thinking that if I am off that surely I have time to do whatever he needs done, like my time must be his time. What he has not realized is that I am tired of this, he is not respecting my time or my feelings and I am distancing myself because of it. I wonder if that was his plan.

time for bed.

MELTDOWN in 5, 4, 3, 2.....

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 12:14:05 GMT

Okay so I had a MAJOR meltdown last night, but it all came out finally. I have never seen myself get that way before and after crying and debating and then crying some more the wall finally came down. It isn't that she didn't spend time with me it is the helplessness that I feel about the whole living situation. It is the fact that when she says that she wants to stay home and do nothing that home is not the same place as me. That home means two different things for us. That is what I hate. That when I am done with all I must do I have to make yet another trip to see her instead of walking through the front door and just being home with her, Jen and the babies.

And she just let me. Just let me cry and be all irrational, she didn't get angry, frustrated or anything else. She just loved me.