Christmas Cookie Recipe

1 cup of water                  4 large eggs

1 cup nuts                      1 tsp baking soda

2 cups of dried fruit           1 cup of sugar

1 tsp salt                      1 cup of brown sugar

1 tsp lemon juice

1 bottle Crown Royal Reserve

Sample the Crown to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the Crown again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.

At this point it's best to make sure the Crown is still OK, try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit

Pick the frigging fruit off floor...Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a dewscriver. Sample the Crown to check for tonsisti city.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who caresch. Check the Crown Royal.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of ar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, Finish the bottle of Crown Royal Make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTLEMAS!!!

Dear Blank Corporate Team Members:

The year is drawing to a close and as we look towards 2009, this is typically the time of the year when we plan for annual merit/pay adjustments to base salaries in the coming year.

As we are all well aware, the past few months have been anything but typical and we are preparing to manage our way through what will likely be a protracted downturn.  World financial markets continue to be unstable, a number of major world economies are officially in recession and the public at large is cutting back on spending.  Our industry is being hit hard and we have seen many of our competitors take drastic action to manage their way through these uncertain times.   

While we remain on sound financial footing, we must continue to evaluate present circumstances and position ourselves for long-term success.  These economic conditions, which are some of the worst we have seen in recent times, have forced us to look hard at our expenses and it is with regret that I inform you that we have decided to postpone annual merit/ pay adjustments to the salaries of corporate team members for the coming year.  We have made a similar determination for our field members, the details of which will be provided directly to the field by blanking out name.

Let me reiterate that we are on sound financial footing, but we must proceed with great prudence in order to deal with these current uncertain times and position ourselves for the future.  Under separate cover from blanking out company that is determining which of us can be given the pink slip and some person I don't know, you will receive information regarding general business expenses and our revised travel policy.

I want you to know that the decision regarding merit adjustments was not taken lightly, however we believe it is a necessary step and we will review this position later in 2009.

We appreciate your understanding.

Yours sincerely,

Again blanking out the name (because I do need this job) of the big boss man...


So not only is the cost of health insurance coverage for me and the kiddie going up by over 100.00 to close to 300.00 per pay period, I am not going to get any relief in the annual penny ante raise department. Back to sewing the under garments...can't afford that fancy stuff.

current mood: crushed

This journal has ended up being exactly what I have said it was going to be my online bitch fest.

I am unhappy right now and I while I know what will make it better for me there is not a darn thing I can do about it at this moment or anytime soon. It is just the way things are going to have to be and I have to deal with it.

I have a child that for what ever reason is hellbent on either harming herself or worse yet killing herself. And I feel at times that this has completely and effectively isolated me from everyone and I am alone. That it is up to me and only me to keep her safe at all times and that there is no break for me. While my fear is that I will be forever rescuing Jen from herself, I also selfishly fear that I soon will be by myself and doing this. This past year has effectively put a big wall between V and I and I am not sure that she has any idea that it is there. I know that it has been stressful and that she is probably not sure what to do with it all but there are times when I do wish that she would step out of her comfort zone and make me feel that I could actually depend on her to understand what is going on. To try. To be involved even though she had no intention of having kids in her life. I love her and I love my child and I want them to be on the sam page too, but I feel like I am always having to jump in front of one or the other because of the tension that this year has caused.

V trying to protect me, and Jen being a teen.

I am lonely because while I was starting to enjoy the fact that my child was getting more independent and I could start to have a life of my own too, it has all been taken away. I am now back to where I was when Jen was a small child and needed constant supervision. My daughter has turned into someone who is hellbent on dying or atleast causing herself great harm.

My life has become a big nightmare and it is my responsibilty to try and keep it all together. While I would like to tell all to V and have her be supportive, she isn't, and I can't expect that she will ever understand it. Nor can I expect that she take an active role as she does not want to have any responsibility when it comes to anything in my life. I am lonely and I am in a relationship, and yet I have no one with whom I can talk with about the serious things that are going on in my life. I take seriously everything that is said to me, but don't feel that I get the same back.   with no one to talk with or to fall back on or even bounce things off without feeling like I must defend everything in my life.

I miss my v the way we were a year ago and I wish there was some way to get it back, because I really need her and us now.

 

current mood: depressed

No really the bitch fest. 

Work is driving me mad. I don't know if I am coming or going and there seems to be no relief in sight. Chats, phones, emails, more chats and tickets, I just can't seem to keep up and I feel like I am the only inept person there having this problem. I have tried speaking to a sup about it and I just feel like I am being placated and talked down. So you are trying to track every single breath that we take in a day. How do you track the numerous emails we get in a day that are asking for us to check back on this, research that, what is this? How do you account for all the minutes I sit staring at a screenshot trying to figure out what the hell someone meant by it is not following the rest of the bill when nothing seems to have moved. Or the hours you spend researching something only to recieve an email minutes after you send it off stating disregard issue was all in our heads. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

I can't help but fear that I am going to lose my job and that there will not be anything that I can do about it. I do wish that I could find something else in the company for me to do but everything seems to be things that I have absolutely no training for. Completely inept and I am horrible at networking. That means I have to talk to others and I know I don't socialize well, I am way to awkward for my own good. Surprised to hear that from me? I am absolutely panicking on the inside everytime I pick up the phone or have to speak to a coworker. I am sure that they are going to see what a complete and total idiot I am at any moment, that I am a fake that has some how managed to slip under the radar. 

Maybe that is my issue, maybe it is because that I feel that I am having one huge panic attack while at work that I am completely useless. I didn't use to feel this way, it is only in the last couple years that I have begun to feel this way and it is only getting worse. It takes everything in my power to get up every day and go. I just want to cry on my drive in. 

Something has to give somewhere. I am still in over my head in hospital bills from Jen's last foray into the hospital (because it felt like home) and I am looking ahead at stuff that she will need for school and band. 

I thought for a while that I might finally get my wish of V moving in, but it appears that she has decided not to. Go figure, I still have 5 cats, a dog and a teenager. 

Not to mention that I seem to be irritating the hell out of her lately and I am not entirely sure how I am doing this. And it is beginning to wear on me. I tell her not to snap at me and she says that she is not, but if it is not being short, please tell me what that tone is called. I know it is stress from the whole home life thing but I can help but feel like saying yours is not the only one that is currently screwed up. My world has been completely turned upside down since last september and has not settled down in the least. 

I now feel like I get attacked for the actions of another from all angles. (attacked may be the wrong word but it is how I am feeling) I have never felt so inadequate when it comes to Jen since all this came out. I never know if she is lying or if it is part of the mental illness that we are dealing with. I feel like in me letting someone know what is going on that has given those people the license to tell me what I am doing wrong and what I should be doing to fix this. I really have not heard one kind word in respect to my daughter in months and I am miserable. I can not honestly say that anyone other than myself loves my child despite all her warts and that is killing me. To have someone tell me that we are going to make it through this and that there will be happiness for the both of us would be a godsend. 

The stress of all this is affecting my health both mentally and physically, my relationship my girlfriend, my work and I am not sure how much more down I can take. Every thing that comes in and that I can keep on my shoulder surprises me, I keep expecting to be curled in a ball screaming  when the next blow hits me. I don't know how I continue to stand under the weight of it all. I want someone to take some of the pressure off, but I am not willing to give it up for fear that it will not be taken care of the way it should be. Because I feel that noone cares about the issues that I am dealing with as much as I do. I truly feel isolated at times.

To top off the ring of sadness to blows to friendship have happened in the last couple months. I sent a friend a letter to see how they were doing and got return to sender back on it. No forwarding address. Then I was in Atlanta a couple of weeks ago and we had made arrangements to have lunch with my best friend and another friend from my teen years. My bf tried calling him, no response back to calls. I tried and again no response to calls. 

I sent an email when I got back and got the msg that this person is not accepting email from me. They have blocked my email address. I have no idea what happen and the one thing that I fear is that my only truly religious friend has gone on a morality stint since his marriage and is no longer going to associate with his lesbian friend since 9th grade. I hope this is not true, but I fear that as a husband to an associate pastor in a southern baptist church that this is the most likely scenario. I want to be proven wrong. 

Got to see Melissa Etheridge in concert in Atlanta and it was amazing. I just wished that V did not seem so irritated at me for asking too many questions about things in my head. I just want to talk to her and hear her opinion on things, I want to be adults in an adult relationship.

current mood: depressed

I am broke, or damn close to it. I just got yet another bill from yet another doctor and I am not sure where I am going to get the money to pay them. I am frustrated, worried and at my wit's end. I feel I can't get ahead for anything and there is always another bill to be paid. I want to yell and scream but I know it will do no good. The house that I once saw over the next hill I have discovered is just a mirage, a trick of mind. A FUCKING HALLUCINATION! I have plodded ahead day after day, year after year knowing that I would eventually get ahead of everything and be able to do something better for our lives than this hole. A place that I am not worried is going to be foreclosed because the landlord has over extended himself, a place that would be ours and I would not be concerned on whether or not the house was going to burn down or be broken into. 
 
But there is nothing I can do about this because I have to take care of it all. It is my job to make sure the here and now is taken care of. There is no one else to take care of this for me. I don't have the luxury of looking to the right or left of me and saying so what are we going to do make this right? The only one that will answer is me. And I think that is what is even more frustrating to think about than knowing that when all the medical bills come in I will owe nearly three thousand dollars even after insurance settles their side. I have used all my medical flexspend up and it is still coming in. Not to mention the other household expenses that must be handled. Gas and groceries has nearly doubled and band fees are coming due soon. If I played the lottery I would be praying hard right now for a win, even a small windfall. What would I do with ten thousand dollars? Pay off Dr bills, pay off the rest of my cc, pay all the other little bills that have come up, pay band fees, get her clarinet repaired and put the rest away to save yet again for a house in a couple of years. But that all requires me to actually play the lottery. But that is money that I can not afford to lose. It is yet another dollar that should be going towards a bill. 

I am angry with her Dad for not having to pay more than two hundred in child support a month, but yet has the audacity to call me DRUNK and tell me that has lost his job and does not know when he will be able to pay it. Forget the fact that he is supposed to carry insurance on her and that he has never paid a cent towards medical bills. What gets me is he is there drunk with his young child, drunk when he is so broke that he is not sure how he is going to pay rent or put the food on the table, and drunk enough to tell me that he has to get off the phone to get to his second job. And there really is nothing I can do without sicking a Lawyer (that I can't afford at this juncture) to get the money that I really could use right now, or to get it upped a bit or even to pressure him to carry insurance on her. But yet he has enough money for alcohol. This is whacked. 

current mood: morose

 I am one of those people that think that if you have a problem with someone, you should discuss that problem with them. I am also realistic enough to realize that sometimes that it is just not possible to do so rationaly without talking to someone else first. To use them as a sounding board to straighten everything out. That is what Doctors are for or if you are one of the very lucky a friend that TRULY knows how to keep their mouth shut. (most of us are not that blessed) Or if you are a nut job, like me, that down time in the car during commutes is a great time to have outloud conversations with that person of frustration. Sure the person in the car next to you will think you are insane but who the f*&@ cares, they won't know you from Adam when you are standing in line behind them at the DMV next year, if you are really worried they might recognize you, put a cell phone headset in and let them think that you are yelling at someone on the phone (but really most are going to just plain out think you are crazy) and will be whispering to the person in front of them at the DMV, "Please, sir, could you scoot up more, there is a crazy person behind me. I have seen him on the road yelling at no one and I am afraid they might be dangerous."

If you not guessed it I am irritated and just a tadbit frustrated with some people in my life. Some more than others. That is not to say that I don't love them or care about them, it is just that I am tired of what I called Fork Tongue people. Fork Tongue people who will say one thing to your face and then as soon as you are out of sight they are saying something completely different to someone else. Judge not lest you be judged apparently does not apply to them, nor does the many sayings about gossipers.

There is a reason that I don't trust many people and there is a reason that when I do confide or trust in someone about somethings that I expect that they stay between us. If you tell me something it goes no where, and I expect that if I come to you with something that it would stay there, too. I don't expect to hear from Joe's mom's butcher that I asked you to do something. That you are now the Martyr of the whole situation, that I was asking too much. If there was a problem, then why did you say yes to begin with? Why did you not address your reservations then? Why do I have to hear that you have issues with something I have done or asked from a third party that should never have been party to the conversation to begin with? Could you not find anything else to talk about? The weather, health or hell even the rising cost of gas. Did you not think that this person was going to run and open their mouth at the first opportunity and say exactly what was said in her own version (which ALWAYS makes it sound worse than what it really is)? It is a betrayal of trust and the worst part is that it was not only me that you talked about, you talked about my family and how things had to change or there would be changes. Why had you not talked to the people involved first instead of them having to find out from someone else? Do you not know how hard they work to make sure that you have what you need, that your are happy, and that you come before all? All you had to do was say look I am seeing a pattern that concerns me can we talk about this? But no, you had to talk behind someone's back and let them find out from someone else.

Now I back to limiting what I say to you, because I don't need my very dirty laundry aired out as someone else's entertainment. Somethings are not needed. I share already enough with the world because I don't want them to think that I am completely bonkers, I want them to realize that sometimes there is a reason for my erratic behaviour, but I don't expect to hear how badly I am doing at concealing the fact that my life is going to hell in a handbasket. Sorry for asking a favor, I can assure you there will be no more, it is not worth the price I paid this time. Don't worry about it I will find another way, it is my responsibility anyway.

current mood: crappy

  Okay so explain to me why I am still upset almost 24 hours after this stupid thing happened. Why it is still bugging me even though the rest of the night was beautiful and I thouroghly enjoyed myself. I know why it is bugging me but not why I can't get the words to express how it is bugging me to her. 

We had a beautiful dinner and wonderful date, but things seemed to spiral down with a fuse not set right. Frustration on her part bubbled to the surface because her car was not working the way it should. Understandable. What is not understandable or acceptable in my book is me being used as the verbal punching bag. Nothing so grand as you are a dumbass and know nothing, but more subtle. More like when a kid is overly tired and forgot how to verbalize what is wrong with them, so the scream over things that usually make them laugh. The only difference here is that she is an adult and should know better. And even after it was painfully obvious that she had hurt my feelings there was nothing said to acknowledge that she had gone to far. And what is worse than the first, is not acknowledging that it ever happened. 

So we went to Paulette's last night (beautiful expensive french restaurant) last night and had a date. We were stuffed and running out of time before we had to get the kids so we took dessert to go. Her a bread pudding, me a crepe suzette. yum. I placed them in the back seat and climbed on in and we headed home. No worries thus far. Fat and happy and I planning on other things after the kids were asleep. 

While I went in to get the kids from their part, V moved the dessert out of harm's way and realized that her window would not roll up. Trouble brewing though I did not know it. So we had to take the short ride home with the window down. She kept stating that she would need to blow the horn to check the fuse, and I couldn't understand why, and voiced my concern about doing it in our driveway too. It was after all after 10 pm. 

Get the kids home and I asked Jen to let the dogs out since I wanted to help V fix this issue if I could, this irritated her. She took her keys and let the dogs out so I got the desserts out and set them on the back floor board until we went inside. BIG MISTAKE. 

Found out it was a loose fuse after a few tries of blowing the horn (still don't understand what this has to do with the windows not rolling up). And she notices the dessert on the floor board, containers not sitting completely flat to which she starts fussing at me about this. It was an accident, not a huge deal in the scheme of humanity. I laugh at the fact that she is fussing at me on this. Whatever. That is not the right thing to do apparently. Somewhere along the line her funny bone fuse has also been lost. All I can think is will the dessert taste any less delicious than it would have if the containers had been flat? Some how I doubt it. Then it gets better (or worse) depending on how you look at it. SHE drops the container, to which I laugh yet again. Can't be too annoyed you just dropped it. But no her statement was something the fact that she wasn't being careful since they were no longer...(perfect? I think that is what she said) and leaves them sitting on the stove.

Two feet from the fridge and she leaves them on the stove, because she is mad that I had accidentally let the boxes tip in the car. WTF! I go to my room and calm down, because now I am mad. Furious, even. She has chose a damn dessert over a human beings feelings and I want to yell at her, but I can't because there are kids in the room.

I come back out to find her sitting in the chair, moping. I sit in her lap hoping that she has settled a bit and will realize how irrational she has been, but no. When I try to talk about it her argument is that I do it so often. Do what? Tip the desserts? This is more than I can handle. She really is going to mope and be annoyed/angry over a tipped dessert and has no regard for the fact that she is hurting my feelings and ending what has been a beautiful night on a very sour note. I just want to cry. I go back to my room and read, pray for sleep and hope that she will come to her senses and realize that she is being ridiculous.

It doesn't happen, she comes in eventually, she climbs into bed, but says nothing until she realizes I suppose that I am trying not to cry outloud, to which she says you are going to give yourself cancer. For what I have to ask. For holding in my feelings. So you are concerned with my feelings is what I want to say, too bad you weren't concerned with them when you chose to tromp on them over a damn dessert. I said nothing, because I already felt that there had been no sense of respect or common courtesy given to me and did not feel that she would listen to it now. I was wrong and it did not matter how she made me feel all over a damn fucking accident. I wanted to ground that dessert in her face and tell her enjoy.

So back to why it is bothering me today. Because it seems lately that she is too easily irritated with me. Short tempered and annoyed by things I say or do and she has no problem voicing that irritation. But what she does not like is the fact that when I ask why she does not see that she is even doing it. Snapped at me this morning over cookies. Excuse the F out of me, for the GS being out of almost all types of cookies. Soften you voice and irritation with me I have enough stress in my life without having my GF act like an ass. 

I deserve respect and I give that respect back. I don't snap, bitch, or walk over you, please do the same in return. If you are annoyed or irritated with me have the guts to say so but don't snipe. IF you have a concern voice it but don't be critical, I already have one critic and she is bad enough....me. I support you emotionally and that is what I ask in return. If I tell you something bothers me when you do it, don't continue to do it, it makes me feel like you have no care for my feelings or emotional well being. 

If I am wrong I will generally admit it.

Going to try and start this afresh. I always say that I need to write and get whatever is in my head out so that I can think more clearly. This is the space that I created to do this but I don't make the time to do it. I say that I don't have time, but I am learning that I have to make the time, I have to be a little selfish. I allow myself to be pulled along too much by the responsibilities I have. I want to redirect this in a such a way that I maybe address some of what goes through my head on a daily basis. Things that I don't talk to others about because I don't want them to know what I think or I don't know how to express what I am thinking. I am not a very conversational type person. I need to address my fear of conversation. In some ways I still think like the damaged child I was, but that is not who I am now. I need to find a way to get over the block in my head and let people see that I am not dumb and that I do know more than I say. One of my big bosses came over here the other day and I felt like such an idiot. I could not string two words together and I could not remember how to simple things on the computer. I have been doing this job for 5 years but I suddenly couldn't remember how to map a drive, or how to reinstall a program that I have reinstalled a million times on other computers. What the hell is wrong with me. Why do I lock up like that?  

Am I really getting that old that I don't understand pop culture or the basic slang anymore. I felt it a bit with Jen, but didn't mind feeling like the fool for asking....but now I have my sisters and I have to say I feel like I should be carrying around a notebook asking so what do you mean when you write Blah....What is that. Ohhh and how exactly do you do that. 

So I am looking at my sister's myspace *YAWN* and then she tells me to look at her livejournal *yeah* I know what that is. I have been on there for a while. My little anonymous oasis. I can whine and not be outed. what ever. 

So I read and I swear I only comprehend about 30% of what I am reading. Now let's get this straight I am not dumb, I generally get most stuff even if I have to read through a couple of times to figure out the gist of the conversation. 

So it is not the erotic contations, the anime or even the references to anime porn that stump me...it is the lingo, the slang, the talk. What are you saying what does it mean, is there a translate button somewhere for us old people?

Now that I have said all that let me break down the rest of this. 
Why does the erotica not surprise/shock me.....hmmmm have you read the story of 0 or the sleeping beauty stories or number of other erotic type books that are out there...so my own proclivities run to the pretty risque, why would I judge or for that matter be shocked by another's? 

Anime that is an interesting topic if you are interested in the subject....Me I honestly don't know anything about it. I buy it for my daughter (and pray every time that I am not getting her some of the more sexy stuff that is out there) the stuff I have watched is okay but not my thing. I am more of documentary and history type of girl. This could also apply to the anime porn part but with the added quip of I find my imagination much more colorful than what can or should be drawn. 

All I have to say about my sisters is they can do what they want with their lives, just as long as it makes you happy, you are whole and you are safe. It is the same thing I say to Jen. I live my life the way I do why should I expect someone else to live their life my way. Come on how can the single mother (not sure if she is divorced) broke ass, overweight lesbian with so many secrets in her closet say anything about another person's life? 

So how do we make all this relate. How do we become more than relatives, more than siblings? Where do we find the common ground? I don't know but I would like to find out where this is going. 

Oh and I really don't consider myself old, just out of touch with the rest of the world.